Painfully Ok

Broken.....its a weird feeling. Its not that any one thing is really a big deal, I know its not. But life is not a series of isolated events, its more than that. So here I am wondering if this is a predictor of something more, or more simply...it is what it is. Not that I doubt myself, or my ability to recover and grow, and be happier because of the experiences that I have had in my life. I have been in the same place many times, and each time have come through it stronger. But when I am in the middle of it, it seems endless. Its not that I am depressed, or even outwardly sad. Just broken, and empty.
Like the feeling of being homesick when I am sitting in my own kitchen, or being in a room full of people, and feeling totally isolated.

Wondering if I even know the people that I believe are closest to me....or even know myself. Have you ever looked into someones eyes that you feel like you are close too, and its not the person that you thought it was that looks back at you? Maybe I try too hard, to make everything perfect, to mold people instead of just accepting them. But in that case, do I continue on, or realize my mistakes and start over? Do I even know my own limits? My own passion? Do I know what I need, or what my values are?

It is easy to sit back and judge others errors, but I know I have faults of my own. Maybe the people that surround me are just bigger people, willing to overlook my shortcomings, and here I am holding everyone else to theirs.

Or maybe I am a pushover, or too intent on a security that doesn't exist. Maybe this is the Universal way of reminding me that it can all be gone. Maybe I will continue to be tested until I am totally ok with not being ok, and in that is the beauty of the TAO that I have been seeking. Maybe this is just one more lesson along the journey.

Or maybe there isnt a journey, or a God, or an end. Maybe this is it, this is life. Maybe we have all filled our souls with hope for something more, because we cant bear the pressure of only getting one shot at life. Or maybe ashes to ashes and dust to dust means what I have interpreted it to mean. Maybe I will go on, forever in a eternity. Maybe we really are all one, the same energy.

And people that I too quickly judged and pushed away, are now coming full circle in love. People that I didnt think I knew and after all realizing that I always knew them, and that nothings changed. And that the love of a family, or people I choose as family is induring. And my beautiful children who really do adore me, and their amazing patience with a mom still trying to figure out her own life, while shaping theirs.

Its alot to think about, and nothing all at the same time. And moving ahead, and going back to a normal that was never even there.